Thank God for International Adoption Specialists!

In 2008 my son turned 3.  I kept thinking the terrible two's would phase out.  I even named our adoption playgroup The Terrific Two's and Three's in hopes of a future life without screaming meltdowns and temper tantrums with fists.  I had learned to expect the unexpected with my son adopted in Russia 1.5 years prior.  Yes, he'd been sick frequently, and yes, he took medications that had ugly side effects.  But I would never have been able to admit then that he had a permanent problem, a disorder that might be jumbling up his mind.

After attending several FRUA conferences, that is Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoptions, I had heard many other stories of adopted children from the far Eastern European orphanages that struggled with many of the symptoms my son had---only his seemed more severe.  He could not make eye-contact with me, but he could with others.  He wouldn't be still long enough to let me rock or hold him much without becoming very agitated and throwing a fit to get away.  He broke all his toys and played so rough that he hurt other kids.  He locked onto other boys in a vise-like grip and couldn't seem to let go even when they would wail.  He had an hour long meltdown when told no.  He flat refused to hold my hand even to cross the street. 

Even though my boy was very much loved, he could not return any affection.  I thought he had a very hard shell around him and likened him to a feral cat that could not be domesticated.  I was so saddened that I might never be able to have a normal relationship with my son because he might be autistic or beyond help. It broke my heart for him that he was unable to get along with others because it meant he had to be so isolated and limited from social activities.  He loved being around other kids.  He was an only-child. 

At 3 years old he was kicked out of the 2nd mother's day out program.  He'd bitten a bigger boy on the face and left a huge wound.  This was a repeat offense.  He was suspended from another for aggression with the children in the classroom.  I quit my part-time job and decided to devote myself to giving him more structure and trying the gluten-free diet that I'd heard was working for some other kids who displayed autism.  I vowed I would do whatever it took to get my son on track including seeking out professional help. 

My first call was to a professional child therapist and attachment specialist referred by several families in our FRUA group.  My second call was to a well-known child psychologist in our city who worked with adopted children's issues also.  I had both doctors do independent evaluations on my son to determine what plagued him.  Both doctors came back with the exact same diagnosis in their reports-Fetal Alcohol Effects or Syndrome, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Reactive Attachment disorder caused most likely by the PTSD and possibly ADHD.

One doctor was a man and one was a woman.  The woman suggested that my son would need to be medicated to make it through a treatment program.  Since my son had such great rapport with men and not women, mainly me, and since he'd been passed around in the orphanage mainly by women caretakers, he had a much more severe reaction the the woman therapist.  In order to not have any obstacles in the way,  I decided to go with the man doctor for attachment therapy. 

We started weekly therapy sessions to help JJ learn to self-soothe and work on the preverbal trauma first.  The PTSD was treated with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).  Every week we went and sometimes twice a week.  Things were always calmer for a day or two after the doctor had had a session of  body work and holding time with my son-with me right there next to him-to allow an entire cycle of rage to complete.  Just picking JJ up would set off a rage.  The doctor would pick him up and the howling would begin.  JJ always had a full body shutter after a rage cycle-and his breathing would change to a more rhythmic pattern.  He would relax, and that was one way to know he was done.  He would not have another rage for a day or two.  This cycle would take an hour to go through with screaming, biting, flagellating, kicking and flailing all over the doctor.  The screaming could be heard through the office walls for at least a floor.  This was what I'd been dealing with at home by myself and being told by friends and family that it was normal for toddlers to throw tantrums.  I never felt like anyone could understand that these tantrums were different.  They were more intense than anything I'd seen before.  They were animalistic.  There was no trigger to provoke them and so no way to avoid them.  It was also bizarre that JJ could manage to charm outsiders and save the tantrums for me at home.

After the cycle the doctor would ask JJ to go sit on my lap.  He would do that, and the doctor would ask him to look at me.  He would make eye contact.  During those relaxed moments, JJ could break out of the shell and join with me.  So it was during those times that he felt safe.  "Why did he have to have a tantrum to get to this place", I asked.  I was told that his cortisol, or stress hormone, levels had been so high in the orphanage that he had recreate a scenario to elevate his cortisol levels to what he felt familiar with all his life.  It was the survival mechanisms that kept him alive in the orphanage that were keeping him stuck in attempt to live in a family.  To bond and attach, he had to trust.  JJ was doing all he knew how to do.  He was using me to keep his cortisol levels high--and causing mine to raise higher and higher in dealing with him, which in turn gave him more opportunity to raise his own.  A cycle.  WE were stuck. 

After about 6 months of understanding the problem and having therapy weekly, I started to see shorter rage cycles and more mommy holding time with JJ.  It was hopeful.  Then the rage would come back within a few days and never for any main triggering reason.  Nothing would make the child happy.  No amount of praise would encourage him or detour him.  Our time out chair was broken into many pieces on the floor.

I read every book I could get my hands on regarding bonding and attachment disorders in adopted children, early childhood trauma and sensory integration disorders.  I tried everything I could  on my own to try to help my son short of medication. 

At some point my misery won out, and I started asking to see a child psychiatrist.  I was then told JJ had conduct disorder and possibly Aspergers.  I got a second opinion, and that time I got pervasive developmental disorder and severe ADHD diagnosis.  Since his case was so complex and overlapping in so many symptoms, I really wanted the doctors to take into account the orphanage situation---the trauma from neglect while institutionalized.  JJ had rickets from malnutrition when he came home.  His medicals from the orphanage said he was weened from the bottle at 6 months, toilet trained at 13 months out of necessity and that he'd been moved from hospitals to several orphanage rooms- all different caregivers- and all for a short amount of time over the course of his 19 months in Russia due to overcrowding and poverty in his village.  He had been neglected, very possibly abused physically since he flinched and ducked when he first came home and came near him with my hands, and he rocked and head banged in his crib every single night at bedtime.  The back of head was totally flat because he'd been laying on it too much for too long-like the children who are cribbed, which means tied to their beds so they can't get out.  JJ woke up early in the mornings but never ever called out from his crib.  His first year and 7 months were not a picture of health or nurture.  He lived in a survival of the fittest environment amongst the hundreds of other babies, many of whom who were much sicker than he was.

A turning point came when I heard about a doctor, a neuro-psychologist who worked exclusively with post-institutionalized children and had 7 little JJ's of his own.  I called him, and was put through to him on my first call!  He was in Virginia, and I was on the other side of the US.  I told him my situation and asked if he was qualified to do an evaluation on my child.  He said, "just get to my office as soon as you can."  I worked with his secretary to get an appointment for the following week.  I had to fly my wild child to Virginia to see this International Adoption (IA) doctor.  I couldn't afford it.  I was scared to death of taking him on the plane-after he'd screamed bloody murder all the way home from Moscow for 10 hours on our last plane ride.  But I was desperate for professional help by someone who was competent about adopted children's issues.

We made it to the office.  The IA doctor came out and said hello to me and JJ, and then promptly took JJ by the hand and went into his office to do some testing for everything from auditory processing to Asberger's.  They took breaks and came out, we went to lunch together, and walked around the office building.  The doctor wanted to see JJ in action.  He wanted to see JJ's attitude toward me.  I'd been asked to bring all my Russian medical records and video for a review.  I had copies made and had sent them a few days before we arrived.  That evening after an all day appointment, the doctor asked JJ to wait in the play right outside the door of his office so he could give me the rundown on what he thought in private.

He first brought out my medical records that were in Russia and had English translations.  He asked if I knew that JJ had been a preemie baby?  No.  Did I know his record from the hospital say he was born in withdrawal from opiates?  He had alcohol in his system.  His birth mother had had also tested positive for drugs and alcohol.  The combination of problems had caused JJ to have a stroke of some type in his first few days, and he'd been on a breathing machine.  "No-this is not what the medical said," I told him.  So the doctor read to me word for word what the Russian medical statements said, and it was all in there.  It just had never been translated.  Not the orphanage, nor judge, and not even the caregivers in JJ's baby house ever said a word about any of these things that had made JJ a very special needs baby.  But there it was in black and white on the hospital records.  Thank God, the IA doctor could read the Russian doctor's chicken scratching.  Later I would send those pages off to a Russian-American physician who would fully translate all of the record for me and tell me he was so sorry for my very sick child.

The IA doctor gave me the bad news first-the medical record information and the results of the low low scores on all the testing.  The only good news he said would come the next day as we made a plan for treatment for JJ.  All the information I had gotten from the day made me very sad, but it also validated my deepest intuition that the severity of JJ's rage and fear had not been coming from simply a behavioral problem.  He truly was brain damaged by his birth mother's in utero choices to drink and do drugs and the hospital and orphanage neglect and trauma after birth.  He was acting out of trauma and disability.  I walked back to the hotel that night with JJ in hand feeling the blackness of utter despair.  I felt so sorry for us both.  Tomorrow we would return for the good news.
"Now," I asked myself, "how do I raise him according to the standards he is capable of being held accountable for?"  So on day 2 of our intervention with JJ, we had a session called intensive family therapy.  The doctor showed me how to make a safety plan for JJ, and a daily visual schedule.  At one point the doctor was giving me some private information and asked JJ to wait right outside the door.  I knew that was a shot in the dark and after two minutes of total quiet had gone on, I said I needed to check on JJ.  He was no where to be found.  We finally found him running into the street on the busy road in front of the doctor's office building!  This was a perfect example of what I meant about me feeling that I couldn't keep him safe for even a minute if I wasn't watching him closely.  We found out that through an auditory processing dysfunction, JJ had interpreted "stand outside the door for one minute" as GO STAND OUTSIDE THE DOOR-AS IN THE OUT-SIDE DOOR-OUT SIDE THE BUILDING.  So he did what was asked of him except that there were so many interesting things going on in the streets that he wandered off that way.  This made sense.  This made sense of so many of JJ's outbursts at being told he was doing something wrong.  I'd been scolding him when he thought he was doing exactly as I asked--how confusing for JJ!  He did as he was asked even when it was scary.  That door outside the doctor's office was down 3 halls and a flight of stairs.  That took some courage for JJ to do as told-in his mind-and go stand outside the office door.

The IA doctor and I put our hearts back into our chests and proceeded with putting together an applied behavioral analysis system based on JJ's problems and my parenting style for us to take home and immediately put into action.  He put the 7-8 part plan on large poster boards for me to tack up to my walls and follow to the letter.  He wrote out every piece of the plan for me, and told me to call him when I got home after a week for a consultation.

I have done exactly as he told me to do.  Retraining my son has taken bundles of patience, medication, occupational therapy, ABA therapy and work within our home to provide him the proper type of attention for attachment.  JJ started sleeping on a sofa bed in my bedroom at night, earning all privileges and repeating with me daily-over and over our safety plan, our home rules, our good words list, our privileges list, doing chores....and slowly but dramatically over one year's period of time, I truly met my son's real personality for the first time.  He was more smiley than pouty.  He obeyed out of respect and felt proud of himself for earning his likes.  He rarely complains.  The longer we are on this journey into the solution, the closer we have gotten in attachment. 

Since attachment had not truly taken place by JJ when we met the IA doctor, it started when the program started.  It took on a life of its own.  And the more attached, trusting and open JJ can be the happier he is.  We continued with the local attachment doctor who worked with us on our treatment goals with the IA doctor.  The last time we were in the attachment therapy doctor's office, my son got up on his lap to greet him with not even a frown and asked if he could sit with mommy.  At that point I saw a boy who'd come full circle with attachment.  The RAD is gone, and my son was considered a severe case.  The PTSD symptoms are gone-except for the deep and hidden insecurity of abandonment that I proactively treat and which may always be a part of JJ's emotional baggage.  He tried to fake a temper tantrum the other day-and we both laughed. 

The IA doctor has never not returned an email or phone call within 12 hours to me-ever.  He has never not given me his honest opinion even when he knew it was going to hurt.  He has offered to fight for us with the school board to get JJ the special services we thought he'd need (and now doesn't require).  He's offered to see JJ for free.  He's kept in touch and put me in touch with many other professionals who are following our case and hoping for JJ's continued success.  The IA doctor took pity on this single mom and gave me a discount on office fees.  The testing and treatment from all the pro's who helped us changed the quality of our lives.  The IA doctor gave to me and to my son a simple plan that instilled hope and the tools to find the way out of the darkness out into the light.  We both will always be so grateful to all the pro's for their dedication to this work and to us, their clients.  

As a single mom, I feel that the male doctors and therapist's from attachment to Occupational Therapy have been excellent role model for both my son and me.  In our last talk, the IA doctor asked when I was going to get back into my own career as a pediatric counselor?  He said I'd already done the time....and that other families and adopted kids need the kind of experience I now have since I survived living with the untreated version of post institutional autism and have made it through to the rehabilitated side.  So now it is me who is rising to the challenge to meet the great expectations of a wise IA doctor.  But rather than start back up my career, I'd much rather go back to Russia and adopt another little one.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll get a girl version of JJ.  For sure, this time around I know that early intervention is key.

Solo Parent Balance

Balancing Out Being a single parent and staying balanced with finances is not always easy, but possible. I like parenting alone because I can devote that extra time to my child that I would have to divide with a spouse. I used to worry that it wasn't fair to my child to have only one parent and no siblings until I realized that it only takes a great relationship with one person to truly garnish a child's life. Of course, I have to supplement with lots of role models besides myself and get creative with financing.

While I do have to work to provide for our little family, I am fortunate to be working from home by runnng a website and freelancing. I work when my child goes to school until he comes home and then again after he goes to bed most nights. I catch up on the weekends thanks to endless hours of play outside with the neighborhood kids while I supervise from under the tree with my laptop going. I like my work-it's a natural extension of myself and comes easily. It's like I would be doing it anyway-so what a gift that I can do it as a career. I'm a weird kind of career mom-stay at home career mom. That's a whole different topic.
I was married once when me son was 2. He was adopted at 19 months. I sufferred greatly trying to accomodate for the special needs of my son, my new husband, and his two young children. I wanted to do it right so badly, but I became drained and eaten up with resentment within a year. The "blend" was just not working. He left. I sometimes think I married for the wrong reasons-highly subconciously. I thought it would be better to raise my child in a 2 parent household and the extra income would really help too. Plus I loved the guy. I learned quickly that a man can make a huge salary and still have no money. I ended up paying on his debts as much as my own. Now days I have to divide my time only between work and homelife and keep it simple. For me, that is the way to peace.

 My biggest mistake has been fear that I couldn't raise my son alone without help financially. I believed that it was unfair to stay single when I had the open door to giving him more family, such as a daddy and siblings. Although I was making it fine as a single before the child, and was doing okay after he came, I seemed to keep that niggling fear that it wasn't enough with just me. I felt confident that I could handle the emotional needs-but-not at the same time as handling the money. I was wrong! I ended up figuring out that each person has to do what their heart tells them to do and what they are capable of. I am now mama and papa to my dear special little boy, and we are doing well emotionally and financially. If a child has at least one primary caregiver that provides the opportunties for trust and intimacy, then that transfers over to others later on in life. I am giving my son that relationship. In return I get to witness his life. Money is just "green paper" that we use to live. It's not good or bad, it just is what it is. Nature's way is to balance itself, and that's what we have today. This is balance for me. The scale is up to you.

Article for MoneySocial.com by Karasel Kid

Favorite Adoption Pictures

Kisses In the Wind Adoption Poetry

Kisses In the Wind

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.

You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.

But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...

Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.

I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.

But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.

And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.

--- Unknown

International Surrogacy in Ukraine

In researching international adoption agencies for Adoption Harmony.com I came across an unfamiliar concept-International Surragacy.  I've heard about this being done in India, but no head-liners advertising it.  Until today.  Partners for Adoption listed Int'l Surragacy on their website as one of your choices, AS WELL AS the homestudies and adoptions in-house they do for Ukraine. 
 
The price is not really much more than an adoption in Russia and only slightly higher than Ukrainian adoption programs depending on your travel tastes.  Wow!  Single gay men are going to be thrilled if they come across this because they are required to use their own sperm but have a donated egg or vice versa for gay women.  The baby is an American citizen at birth, and Ukrainian law prohibits the surragate mother from keeping the baby or babies.  ANY families who can't afford the sky-rocket price of surragacy in the US can take this option for looks to be at least half the price. 

Two trips to Ukraine are required, one for the fertilization or in-vitro and one to get the passport and paperwork finished.  Same as a Ukrianian adoption, but with much more control.  It sounds as if the egg donors they have available are Finnish Ukrainian women who already have one biological child.  It might be great way for a UK woman to make $10 in about 9 months-that's the fee the surrogate gets. 
If you're interested check out their website at http://www.surrogateagency.com/index.shtml or go to AdoptionHarmony.com Singles page. 

I'm still in shock at the options available these days-not good or bad-just shocked its available openly to US.
Karasel Kid

First Time Parents

First Time Parents

Take the Rose Colored Glasses Off now!  The most important element in adoption is understanding  how to develop a Healthy Attachment with your new child no matter the age.  Many say, "Babies don't remember anything."  This is not true.  Their bodies do remember, and their minds have developed according to their past by the time you meet them.  Being open to the fact that your new child has a first family or home, and it was not with you.  They are with you now, and you must understand that their is nothing glamorous about the transition from the child's old environment to your new one. 

As many international adoption experts point out, "Structure equals Love" when a child first comes home.  Keeping the child's world very small is recommended.  Choose a FEW age appropriate toys for them, and all those ones you may have already bought, well, put them up on a high shelf and introduce them slowly one at a time. 

Many adult adoptees say that the adoption, in an of itself, was a trauma because it shook their world upside down.  If a child feels they have no control, and they really don't, then that is life or death in their comprehension.  This applies right down to the babies adopted at birth.   Their "wonderful new home" is a result of a loss.  Don't expect them to act grateful, and if they do, then it will be a gift for you. 
The honeymoon period WILL wear off, and when they child feels safe enough to test you and every boundary you ever thought about having, then you know they are probably making progress!  They trust you enough to test the waters. 

Having a well thought out and consistent discipline plan and daily schedule are one of the most loving acts you show to your new child. Prepare for it.  Put your heart into it.  Your child will respect you for it later on, and attachment will go easier. 

A great website to read about bonding and healthy attachment comes from one of my favorite sites called RadZebra.org.   

You will find articles such as  What is Healthy Attachment?

 

What's In A Name? The Russian Naming System

What's In A Name? The Russian Naming System

"In formal or official situations, Russians address each other by using both a person's first name and his or her patronymic. the patronymic invariably is derived from the first name of the person's father. For example, Sergey Ivanovich is literally Sergey, son of Ivan, and Tatyana Andreyevna is Tatyana, daughter of Andrey.

Additionally, Russians are extrememly fond of using diminuatives when addressing each other in familiar situations. Although some diminutives may be slightly derogatory, the majority are used to express closeness and /or tenderness.

Note also that all Russian words carry stress on only one syllable. "

Excerpt taken from "The Works and Days of Svistonov: A Novel From the Post-Revolutionary Bolshevik Years

by Konstantin Vaginov, Copyright 2001 USA

Translated from the Russian by Howard Shernoff

Referral Videos

 What to Expect? Video by www.childrensnet.org on UTBUBE

                                 

  

   

  

     

      

      

Russian Family Magazine Reviews

Spotlight Reviews on Russian Life Magazines by Adopters

	A Wonderful Magazine by Tatiana Elizabeth Lyulkin from Daly City, CA USA on Feb 12, 2009
	Just got my first issue of Russian Life. As an adopted child reseaching one's heritage, I can say that Russian Life is a lifeline, a bridge of sorts between Russia and yours truly. I think it's a "must have" for anyone truly interested in Russia and its future.

	Russian Life Magazine by Nancy Ruth Davis from Arlington, VA - USA on Jan 2, 2008
	Beginning in the early 1960's I lived in Yugoslavia and other Eastern European areas which I loved despite the very oppressive circumstances. My love for the Balkans was renewed last year on a wonderful trip to Ukraine. Russian Life Magazine beautifully reports and reflects the newness and vigor Russia and that part of the world offers. I eagerly await every issue.

	A Resource For Russian Adoptions by Virginia Citrano from russia.adoptionblogs.com on Nov 25, 2007
	Whether you are thinking of adopting from Russia or raising a child born there, "Russian Life" will expand your family's understanding of Russian culture, history, literature and certainly of Russia today.

When Two Souls Collide: A Story of Untion

WHEN TWO SOULS COLLIDE: A Story of Union

                                                                          A.P.
Chronicles of an international adoption in Russia gone terribly wrong is the entertwining plot of this autobiographical work by the anonymous author "AP."  When Two Souls Collide starts off spinning the story of the roller coaster ride of emotions and the plethora of complexities involved in uniting a traumatized toddler from a Russian orphanage with a soul searching mama-want-to-be. 

Within the US adoption agency rules and the foreign inter-country adoption bylines, a single mom with hopes of expanding her family follows the trail of mystery and intrigue that leads to a tiny village in Russia where a 19 month old toddler who has never had a parent, and is available for adoption only after no Russian family can be found, is suffering neglect and with a wild case of scabies.

Why must these children suffer so when US and other foreign parents are begging to adopt them?  That question becomes irrelevant as author, A.P. begins to see how the two main characters, the mama-want-to-be and the toddler meet and the tale that follows.

Snippet of When Two Souls Collide
 He lays there with his bottle propped against the old woolen blanket with the nipple cut out so the keifer will flow faster.  You see, no one caretaker has had the time to hold the babies in their ward. There are too many mouths to feed and not enough help to rock the whimpering babies or even to make eye contact with each one. The babies are used to it.  It's all they know.  If they are lucky, there feral brains develop a shell of survival instinct that takes over so their human hearts don't break.  Some manage to stay alive despite the eerie silence and lack of touch or care.  The babies learn early on that crying won't get them anything.

Their only language, crying, means nothing.  If they live, minimal food and shelter is all they are afforded. The orphanage is poor. Young birth mothers are scolded for visiting their babies in the orphanage because it only makes the children cry more later and expect to be held.  That won't do.  After all, the caretakers of the babies, the mamushka's, don't want to see the babies suffer more than necessary.  No visiting is best.  No extra attention is best.  Stealing a little of the babies' bread and milk to feed their own children at home is justified.  The salary is so low and the hours are so long-it is their right to take a small portion for themselves, right? Taking just one toy from the babies' small collection for their own uses is "just borrowing."  No one will notice...except the babies have just a little less to live on.  After a while, the baby house desensitizes the workers to the ophan's lightless plight.  Most know the orphans are the plague of society anyway, or else they wouldn't be there. 

He's waiting and she's waiting, but the people and rules in between are not for the faint of heart.

Book Release Date Pending....Check back for information on When Two Souls Collide.